I'm not very good at this...

I am a terrible blogger. I can't believe I have not posted in almost a week. Shame on me. I can sit here and say that life is just so busy with work, work, and more work but everyone else is just as busy. To be completely honest I just don't know what to say anymore..I have been feeling sort of lost within myself lately. My job has been throwing lots of challenges my way this week as well. I can't really divulge too much information but working with hundreds of college students weekly is full of many difficult situations as I am sure you can imagine.

And not to dwell on a beaten down subject but I really miss my family. I was unable to attend my new niece's baptism due to work and just the 3 hour drive and it makes my heart sad. I feel like life is just continuing on without me...not that I would want it to stop but I just want to be included in it (I know that makes no sense what so ever). I just find myself struggling to get through the days anymore. Josh and I have been on completely different schedules, he is out of town this weekend for his sister's graduation and I will be out of town for work next weekend and the weekends are really the only time we see each other and I think it is taking its toll on our relationship. We don't really fight but we both have our own frustrations and seem to take it out on each other (me taking it out on him more often than not) and that is not fair or good for either one of us.

This post has turned into a rant and that is not what I had intended it to be. I am just struggling to really find anything to say that anyone wants to hear.

Well I have to work tonight and tomorrow (so much for a weekend).

Happy Friday!
Jess Bay

Meet Mac

This is our new addition to our little family. His name is Mac and he is three years old. We inherited him because one of my students couldn't take care of him and I have wanted a cat for awhile now. He is definitely making life interesting around here. He eats like a PIG and is very high maintenance. He follows us from room to room and likes to sleep in bed with me. Very annoying. He enjoys basking in the sun by our patio door (see above) and playing with milk jug rings. But he is nice to have around, we have only had him for about 2 weeks and it is hard to remember life without him. Although I am still getting used to him having claws and keeping him from not ruining my brand new furniture. Other than that he just lies around or stares at us like we are crazy.

Well that is all that is new and exciting around here.

Jess Bay

This Week's Memory

Welcome Back for this week's walk down memory lane. Click on the button above if you would like to join!

In past posts I have talked a lot about my mom, brother and Josh.This week I have decided to write about my gramps (my mom's dad). My brother and I spent lots of time at my mom's parent's. After my parent's divorce we lived with them and then once we left they would watch us after school. We had a pretty average routine. We would take the bus to school and then most days my grandma would be waiting in the parking lot. On a rare occasion, my grandpa would pick us up...and that always meant one thing...MILKSHAKES!! You see we had a McDonald's across the street from school so when he came and picked us up we always got to go to get milkshakes. My grandpa looks and acts just like Walter Malthau from the Grumpy Old Men movies. So, it was always an interesting time. We would go to his "club" which back then I thought was like a secret place only for old people. Now I know its just like a VFW place. He would hang with his other old men buddies and my brother and I would play Ms. Pac Man and run around.

When I was a sophomore in college my grandpa was diagnosed with mouth cancer a few weeks before I was due to move back home for the summer. I remember being so scared of what that summer was going to hold...chemo, losing hair, sickness and all that other stuff that comes with cancer. I had a very hard time going home cause home had become so unknown to me. That summer I watched my Grandpa literally shrink into someone I didn't know due to losing so much weight. It was a very hard time for us all. Thankfully, he is currently in remission and just has to go back to the doctors every so often to get checked.

I know that God could have taken my grandpa away from me that summer and I thank him everyday that he didn't. I am so glad he is alive to see my brother get married, to meet his first great grandchild and to see me achieving all my crazy goals in life. I am so incredibly lucky to have him in my life.

And I know my mom is reading this and crying....Mom, stop crying...I love you!

Thanks for stopping by,

Jess Bay

Oh it was fun while it lasted

Spring break is over....insert super sad face :(. The students are back crazier than ever and it seems like I got nothing done last week. I took 2..only 2 days off and feel like I was gone a month...how does that happen????

But let's be honest...I love that the students are back, they certainly keep things interesting. Last weekend was the only weekend (except Easter) that I do not have to work at least one day so I went on a super fun shopping trip with my mom and my cousins in Columbus. I never realized how much I miss the city..not that living in Akron/Fairlawn was the city but compared to here it definitely is.

I am so ready for Spring and baseball season. I am not really a sports girl (I leave all of that to Josh) but I love the Cleveland Indians and can't not wait to see that cute little Grady Sizemore out in center field. So exciting. And I know I am at least going to one game with my Dad since that was his Christmas present this year.

Isn't he just the cutest?!?!

No new exciting news here...I am excited for March Madness only because somehow I get super lucky and my bracket does really well! Speaking of...I better go work on that!



Goooooo Zips!!



Jess Bay

My Little Lauren

Welcome Back to Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane! My favorite part of the week!

This Sunday my beautiful little sister will turn 4...I have no idea where the last 4 years have gone. So I thought it would be fitting to write about the day I found out I was having another sibling.

I was a junior in college, 20 years old. My own life, my own issues, very selfish etc. etc. I was working at my on campus job when my cell phone rang and rule number one while working at the information desk was never answer your cell phone. Well I knew if my Dad was calling something had to be up or I just always assume the worst, so being the rule breaker that I am...I answered it. We made small talk and then I finally said "Dad..I'm at work what's going on?" and he replied "Are you sitting down?" Which is never good..ever. I replied yes Dad I am sitting down. " We are having another baby"... he said and I jokingly replied...another one???? Truth be told I was very excited but also very scared and honestly I think my Dad was pretty scared too.

A little background....my older brother now 27 and I are very close, me 24, my parents divorced. My Dad and my step mom have Austin, 14 who I was super close to while he was growing up, Zack 12 who is very much like me and here is where it gets tricky Andrew is now 8 years old. I was in high school when he was born and shortly after went to college. I never got to see that little boy and we do not have a very close relationship (as close as you can be with an 8 year old I guess) but when my Dad said he was having another baby and I was on the cusp on graduating college I was convinced I would never see this child and it would never know it's big sister.

I don't really remember when they told me it was going to be a girl..I think I was so excited dates and times didn't really matter. Lauren Morgan is the best thing that ever happened to or family. She is the reason I moved closer to home for graduate school and has brought our family a lot closer together. She is our little princess, spoiled rotten, and the bossiest little girl I know. I wish I could hang out with her everyday...because she just makes me laugh.

I know the years will continue to fly by and soon she will be in school, dating, driving and making me crazy. But she lights up my world and I love her and miss her every day.

So happy 4th Birthday to my favorite little sister!

Jess Bay

Confessions of a workaholic

I love to be busy...that started in college when between school, my part time on campus job, sorority life and being in several organizations gave me no other choice. When grad school came alone I thrived on being too busy. I loved working, loved the stress of it all which according to a recent epsiode of "The Doctors" some people are addicted to the adrenline with being stressed but that is a whole different post.

Anyways, I haven't really talked about this on here but I am in the process of looking for a new job. I love what I do, I am just not in love with where I am doing it. We want to (I would argue need to) move. So as everyone knows the economy and job openings are very few and far between especially in Northeast Ohio. This week however I had just gotten this sick to my stomach feeling of...what are we going to do if I don't get a new job. Yes, staying at my current job is an option but is probably not the best option for Josh and I to have a future together. See, Josh needs to finish school and I want nothing more for that to happen, and if I need to make some sacrifices then I will. My fear is that we will move into my Mom's house (which she is so ok with) and I will be working as a waitress with a Master's degree, whole heartedly knowing this is not the end of the world. I'm just scared... I have known this was coming and keep applying to jobs with no response. Plus I think I am more scared of having nothing to do...(gasp!)

In dealing with this (among many) of my quarter-life crisises I bought a really great book titled "What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self". If you are in your mid 20's or have anyone if your life in that is in their mid 20's get them this book. The basis of the book is a bunch of celebrities writing letters to themselves during their past. Cookie Roberts a columnist writes to herself about the struggles of being a working mom..."You can leave the work world...and come back on your own terms"

That is a quote that I keep tucked inside my head. It will be ok if I take a break from working in a university setting...it will be OK!

and as I write this post my cell phone rings...and it all makes sense.... cause this cute little girl is on the other end of the phone telling me all about her birthday party next week and to be honest....... home never sounded so good.

Turn your clocks back!!

Jess Bay

A Very Sad Day

I unforunately do not have good news today. A student at the campus I work at was murdered. I did not know her personally but have several students that did. It is never easy to understand a young person's death. This is our fourth student death this year, the other three being from car accidents, but murder...just seems so surreal. This is not stuff they teach you how to deal with in grad school, probably because no one knows how to correctly deal with death. Forunately, they have the suspect in custody and they will get some answers. For the students sake the murder did not happen on campus, I can't imagine how that would have affected our community.

So please keep the Davis family in your thoughts and prayers as they are dealing with the death of their beautiful 2o year old daughter.


Jess Bay

Wednesday's Walk...

Being that I get to go to college everyday I have few times when I say "I miss college". But the past couple weeks I have really been feeling down and missing the "old me". I don't really miss college, I MISS my friends. This post will probably be very random but that pretty much describes my 4 years at Clarion.

There isn't even one memory I want to single out the whole time I was in college I loved it. I think college is the reason I have such a hard time being alone with Josh is at work all the time. I was always surrounded by my friends. In the res halls there were always people around and there were few weekends I didn't have a room mate or a cabana mate around to hang out with.

My senior year was by far the best year of my life. I turned 21 on the first day of school, drank more than I ever should have and made the best friends I could ask for. I am reading a book for work about the college experience and it makes me miss seeing the girls everyday. It amazes me how you can see,talk, and rely on some people so much for 4 years and then poof! they are outta your life.

To be quite honest I can't even pick one single memory to write about, especially about my last year of school because there are so many good ones. From playing crack the whip in the alley, to our last DZ meeting, to senior walk, to graduation. I carry those memories and my love for my friends/sisters every day. I would give anything to still live on Dietz place and be able to walk up the stairs or across the parking lot, NOT knock and just plop on the couch and see my best friends. I think it is something we all definitely took for granted.

So if any of my crazy friends are reading this...I miss you...more than you can even imagine.

CU Later,

Jess Bay

Getting to know....ME!

I think this is such a great idea. Lynette (from walk down memory lane Wednesday's) is a genius! This is just a great way for more people to get to read my blog and other people's blogs. So if you have a blog..stop by her page and sign up. It will be a great time!

Speaking of other peoples blogs...Please say a prayer for this family. Their little girl just had a heart transplant and the heart didn't take and she is not going to make it. They need all the prayers to make it through this difficult time.
http://www.thegledhillfamily.blogspot.com/

Goodnight,

Jess Bay

Learning to let go...

As Dawon's Creek so wisely put it "Letting go isn't a one time thing, its something you do everyday, over and over again" and for me right now it rings so true.

I don't even know who really reads this blog and what they know or think they know about me but letting go of my past and its mistakes has been a never ending process for me. I never killed anyone, never broke any laws, but I realized yesterday I hurt people and broke some hearts. I met Kyle for lunch yesterday and honestly didn't even expect him to show up. I won't go into to many details cause they don't really matter but I guess it was just a moment of closure that I had been looking for for quite some time. He's different, I'm different... but I guess that is all a part of growing up. At first I couldn't even look at him...I still see the hurt in his eyes and I think I always will. I have never stopped feeling guilty about ending our relationship, especially the way that I did. I often wonder what my life would be like if I had married him and if we would have made it work. I don't think we would have. I walked away from that lunch knowing that I had made the right decision and knowing that I had to let go. Let go of the guilt and shame I sometimes feel, let go of the could've's and the should'ves of my past and let go of the memories good and bad. Kyle will always have a part of my life that no one else can. We spent the craziest three years together...he pushed me to be successful, encouraged me to go to grad school and always wanted nothing more than for me to achieve my dreams. In the end it just wasn't in the cards for him and I. I never questioned that he loved me or that I loved him I just think that the world has different plans for me.

There will always be unanswered questions, but I think it is better they stay that way.
I am so lucky to have had family and friends that supported me through all of this the two years. I am even luckier to have found a guy that loves me even though I am damaged goods and allowed me to find my own path of closure to all of this.

I will never forget Kyle or the time we had together...it is just time to move on and make new memories.


Happy Sunday,

Jess Bay