Friday, March 27, 2009
And not to dwell on a beaten down subject but I really miss my family. I was unable to attend my new niece's baptism due to work and just the 3 hour drive and it makes my heart sad. I feel like life is just continuing on without me...not that I would want it to stop but I just want to be included in it (I know that makes no sense what so ever). I just find myself struggling to get through the days anymore. Josh and I have been on completely different schedules, he is out of town this weekend for his sister's graduation and I will be out of town for work next weekend and the weekends are really the only time we see each other and I think it is taking its toll on our relationship. We don't really fight but we both have our own frustrations and seem to take it out on each other (me taking it out on him more often than not) and that is not fair or good for either one of us.
This post has turned into a rant and that is not what I had intended it to be. I am just struggling to really find anything to say that anyone wants to hear.
Well I have to work tonight and tomorrow (so much for a weekend).
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
And I know my mom is reading this and crying....Mom, stop crying...I love you!
Thanks for stopping by,
Monday, March 16, 2009
Isn't he just the cutest?!?!
No new exciting news here...I am excited for March Madness only because somehow I get super lucky and my bracket does really well! Speaking of...I better go work on that!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
So please keep the Davis family in your thoughts and prayers as they are dealing with the death of their beautiful 2o year old daughter.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Being that I get to go to college everyday I have few times when I say "I miss college". But the past couple weeks I have really been feeling down and missing the "old me". I don't really miss college, I MISS my friends. This post will probably be very random but that pretty much describes my 4 years at Clarion.
There isn't even one memory I want to single out the whole time I was in college I loved it. I think college is the reason I have such a hard time being alone with Josh is at work all the time. I was always surrounded by my friends. In the res halls there were always people around and there were few weekends I didn't have a room mate or a cabana mate around to hang out with.
My senior year was by far the best year of my life. I turned 21 on the first day of school, drank more than I ever should have and made the best friends I could ask for. I am reading a book for work about the college experience and it makes me miss seeing the girls everyday. It amazes me how you can see,talk, and rely on some people so much for 4 years and then poof! they are outta your life.
To be quite honest I can't even pick one single memory to write about, especially about my last year of school because there are so many good ones. From playing crack the whip in the alley, to our last DZ meeting, to senior walk, to graduation. I carry those memories and my love for my friends/sisters every day. I would give anything to still live on Dietz place and be able to walk up the stairs or across the parking lot, NOT knock and just plop on the couch and see my best friends. I think it is something we all definitely took for granted.
So if any of my crazy friends are reading this...I miss you...more than you can even imagine.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I don't even know who really reads this blog and what they know or think they know about me but letting go of my past and its mistakes has been a never ending process for me. I never killed anyone, never broke any laws, but I realized yesterday I hurt people and broke some hearts. I met Kyle for lunch yesterday and honestly didn't even expect him to show up. I won't go into to many details cause they don't really matter but I guess it was just a moment of closure that I had been looking for for quite some time. He's different, I'm different... but I guess that is all a part of growing up. At first I couldn't even look at him...I still see the hurt in his eyes and I think I always will. I have never stopped feeling guilty about ending our relationship, especially the way that I did. I often wonder what my life would be like if I had married him and if we would have made it work. I don't think we would have. I walked away from that lunch knowing that I had made the right decision and knowing that I had to let go. Let go of the guilt and shame I sometimes feel, let go of the could've's and the should'ves of my past and let go of the memories good and bad. Kyle will always have a part of my life that no one else can. We spent the craziest three years together...he pushed me to be successful, encouraged me to go to grad school and always wanted nothing more than for me to achieve my dreams. In the end it just wasn't in the cards for him and I. I never questioned that he loved me or that I loved him I just think that the world has different plans for me.
There will always be unanswered questions, but I think it is better they stay that way.
I am so lucky to have had family and friends that supported me through all of this the two years. I am even luckier to have found a guy that loves me even though I am damaged goods and allowed me to find my own path of closure to all of this.
I will never forget Kyle or the time we had together...it is just time to move on and make new memories.