Sunday, March 1, 2009

Learning to let go...

As Dawon's Creek so wisely put it "Letting go isn't a one time thing, its something you do everyday, over and over again" and for me right now it rings so true.

I don't even know who really reads this blog and what they know or think they know about me but letting go of my past and its mistakes has been a never ending process for me. I never killed anyone, never broke any laws, but I realized yesterday I hurt people and broke some hearts. I met Kyle for lunch yesterday and honestly didn't even expect him to show up. I won't go into to many details cause they don't really matter but I guess it was just a moment of closure that I had been looking for for quite some time. He's different, I'm different... but I guess that is all a part of growing up. At first I couldn't even look at him...I still see the hurt in his eyes and I think I always will. I have never stopped feeling guilty about ending our relationship, especially the way that I did. I often wonder what my life would be like if I had married him and if we would have made it work. I don't think we would have. I walked away from that lunch knowing that I had made the right decision and knowing that I had to let go. Let go of the guilt and shame I sometimes feel, let go of the could've's and the should'ves of my past and let go of the memories good and bad. Kyle will always have a part of my life that no one else can. We spent the craziest three years together...he pushed me to be successful, encouraged me to go to grad school and always wanted nothing more than for me to achieve my dreams. In the end it just wasn't in the cards for him and I. I never questioned that he loved me or that I loved him I just think that the world has different plans for me.

There will always be unanswered questions, but I think it is better they stay that way.
I am so lucky to have had family and friends that supported me through all of this the two years. I am even luckier to have found a guy that loves me even though I am damaged goods and allowed me to find my own path of closure to all of this.

I will never forget Kyle or the time we had is just time to move on and make new memories.

Happy Sunday,

Jess Bay


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