Tuesday, June 9, 2009

All the things I wish I could say...

Disclaimer: This has potential to be bitter and cyncial

*If my life was a job I probably would have quit it by now
*I feel like I am drowning and there is no way for me to save myself
*When I say I am ok...I am lying (mostly to myself)
*I want to go home and I feel like a failure for even thinking that
*My Dad is trying to fix our relationship by calling me everyday...I wish I had more things to say to him when he calls
* I hate being alone...hate it! and I am alone all too often.
*I feel like I have no one to talk to who understand how I feel or knows what to say to make it bettter
* I wish I was a risk taker and had no fears
* The main reason I don't want to quit my job is because I will have no health insurance and I know that will be the time I will need it the most
*I want to go back to school, I don't know why...maybe just a chance to start over
* I am afraid someone at home will die and I will never get to say goodbye...I live with that fear everyday and it sucks
* I want to find a church here...but at the same time I am angry with God for not finding a way for me to be closer to my family
* I don't really drink anymore because I used to drink to take away the pain and I never ever want to go back to that life

It's not even that I am having a bad day I just feel like my life is a game that I keep losing. I am really toying with lots of different ideas and decisions that I need to make in order to be happy. If you are reading this, please pray that sooner or later happiness comes my way.

1 comment:

  1. I've felt like you seem to be feeling right now and it's not a fun place to be! I remember times when my agenda and God's agenda seemed drastically different and it made it tough on my relationship with Him and tough on me because I had such jaded expectations. One thing that helped me was to wake up every day and ask Him what door He wanted me to walk through today.

    About the job...it's a little more expensive but you could always do COBRA insurance while you are looking if that's what is standing in the way. I've had a job that completely robbed me of my joy it was so awful. When I quit, it was like a huge weight lifted! Any chance you might quit & move closer to your family to start looking?

    Not sure my advice is merited since I was just visiting by chance but this post really tugged at my heart!