Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Drowning in self pity

Warning: This post will be very bitter and probably very negative but that is just how I am feeling right now...continue reading at your own risk.

I'm pissed. I'm just plainly pissed off. I got over being scared, sad, worried and all those other options about this whole cyst thing. I know I am being incredibly over dramatic with all of this but the word "pain" does not even begin to describe what I have been going through in the past week. Not to mention that the inital pain began in October. I just don't know how much more I can handle. Is it not bad enough that I wake up in invisible pain everyday due to an illness that I never freaking asked for and that no one can see or really even diagnose. I just don't know what the hell I did to deserve this. I know I am being incredibly selfish. I read women's blogs who have had to bury their own children, or who can't have children and I know there are millions of people out there with a sadder story than mine..but right now I just want to feel bad for myself or get into a car and drive to my parent's and have my mom tell me that everything is going to be ok..and for once actually think it is true. But what do I really do..I cry...and cry some more.

I feel like my life is one huge losing battle and I am finally losing the war. I don't really know what is going to happen. Most likely surgery but I go to the doctor on Thursday for more definite answers. I just know that if it hurts this bad...I want it OUT of my body...and SOON!

My biggest fear is that all of "this" meaning my life is going to ruin Josh and I. He has been a trooper through this...taking me to the hospital and just letting me cry cause thats what I need to do. I just feel like a lot of crap just gets in the way of us being "us". My shitty hours at work, his shitty hours at work, stress about money, missing our families and now me possibly having to have surgery on top of everything else. I was talking to Kristen the other night and just said..if we can make it through all of this we can make it through anything...I guess I just have to keep that attitude and try to think positively. I just don't know if I can do this without having some certain people here to hold my hand.

So I guess I lied...I still am scared, worried, and sad but I will just throw a little bit of pissed off in there too.

And since I know he will read this tonight when we get home...

Josh... I love you and thank you for being here and riding this crazy roller coaster life with me.

That's all I got,

Jess Bay


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